Bewritings

TW: Themes of terminal illness, minor bodily harm and mental health.

I’ve always been what my mum likes to call a ‘spiraller’. If something seems slightly off I immediately assume the world is about to implode. Once I got an email from my bills company and was so nervous I zoned out and missed an entire 2-hour seminar. We resolved it within minutes the next day.

I think ’spiraller’ is just a slightly nicer way my mum calls me incredibly anxious. 

My spiralling knows no bounds, and recently I have fixated on illnesses. I’ve always been anxious about my health, with the last bad spell of health anxiety being when I was only 15. I’m quite pale and bruise easily. So, for whatever reason, my brain immediately diagnosed me with Leukaemia. I went to the GP in tears, did a blood test, and was given the all-clear. 

Since then, over the years I’ve continued to poke and pick and examine: but it’s always been manageable. A sinister thought I could brush off as easily as rolling over in bed. 

But, last November saw me take a turn for the worst. I had recently started some new medication, so that potentially triggered this anxious spell. I was in the shower and caught a glimpse of a mole on my arm. Melanoma. 

From that moment on I was convinced I had only months left to live. Everything else lost meaning. Why should I bother?  I’m about to die. I know, completely irrational. But also terrifying. 

From there, I got constant reassurance from friends, family and the GP. But nothing helped. I spiralled to the point every mark on my body was a potential threat. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or focus on anything. I covered myself in scabs from compulsively scratching. This only fuelled my compulsion more because now it had to be cancer. After all, the moles are bleeding! Again, completely irrational, I know.

This went on for a few months until I went home for Christmas. Then, it got worse. If you touch the back of your neck, behind your ear, you will feel a bone. The mastoid process I believe it’s called. Completely normal. Necessary even. But nope, once again, I was convinced it must be cancer. My new diagnosis was Lymphoma. 

This led to me spending the holidays in a state of panic. I was convinced this would be my last Christmas. I constantly examined myself to the point I had symmetrical sores on my neck. It felt like I was physically branded as ‘unwell’. I had to wear my hair down all the time or face pitying looks from passers-by.

I felt awful. Crazy. I knew I was fine rationally, but I could not shake this feeling of impending doom. Not only did I think I was about to kick the bucket, but I also put a damper on my family’s Christmas. 

When I finally went to the GP, his reaction was literally ‘Oh God!’ I feel like I deserve an award for getting that response from a healthcare professional. Surely he’s seen worse than me? I get a laugh out of it now. I held my breath as he examined me, convinced I was about to receive the worst news of my life. My suspicions confirmed. But no, once again, I was given the all-clear. 

Since October, I’ve had Melanoma, Leukaemia, Lymphoma, Sepsis and oral cancer. (My immune system must be working overtime). It’s been a lot. Anyone who struggles with health anxiety knows it’s like feeling unsafe in your own body. You can’t run from the fear, because it’s in you. That mark, lump or pain is yours. You can’t leave it behind. So usually you wallow in it. Even whilst writing this, I’ve done at least 2 of my mental body scans.

There’s also so much guilt there. I hate feeling like I’m unpleasant to be around. I don’t want to stress my friends and family out, constantly looking for reassurance. But when it’s all you can think about, it can be hard to not let it control your relationships. I’m well aware I can be a lot when my compulsions take over, but I’m so grateful for all the support I have. 

It does get better though. Since the new year, it has been an upwards climb. I’m not completely settled yet, but I don’t live in constant fear of having a terrible disease. And trust me, before Christmas it was constant. I feel more like myself every day and have gone back to uni with minimal problems. I’m practising wellness techniques to combat my mental health (not specifically my health anxiety) and I am seeing major improvements. 

If you feel as though you’re experiencing something similar, I urge you to seek professional help. And I don’t mean to be diagnosed with that terminal illness you saw on Google. This obsession falls under compulsion and anxiety disorders, and there is quite a lot that can be done to help.

If you know someone who is experiencing this, try not to overindulge in the obsession. Although reassurance seems helpful, it actually feeds into the vicious cycle of health anxiety. This is just a temporary relief. And the cycle begins again, usually moving on to a new ailment. But, please be patient. Those suffering from health anxiety are well aware of their irrationality, but often just need a support system to wait it out with them. These thoughts will pass.